I never known losing a beloved one would hurt in this way.

 

It has been 8 months, 3 weeks and 1 day, I still haven't accepted the fact that grandpa has gone, althouth I comforted grandma time and time again with my easiest tone, "this is life, we can't control it, most of people won't be this lucky to live till their 80s and leave with so little pain, and have all his children and grandchildren around him, now he is rest in peace, and he wish you happy, so you should let go...." well, I can't let go myself, let alone my grandma who has been married him for over 50 years.

 

It's not just sad, no it's not sad, it's upset, hopeless, desperate. We (or just I ) think hard , work hard and live harder to make this very limited life more meaningful, less regretful. I made lots of mistakes and missed many things, but I learn from these mistakes and get things back in even newer and better shape. I always believe that no matter how bad things are, I will finally get through them and find a way to fix. Only for this one, there is no way to fix, I know that I lost it, and I will never ever get it back, not even a similar one, and it's really really really annoying.

 

When you lose something, you try to find it, if you can't find it, you try to find some ways to get a new one, even if it might take years, you always have hope, and the hope makes you happy because you feel that it still belongs to you (it's reasonable to feel so), it's just a matter of time. There's no hope for me, I went to crematory with him, I saw with my own eyes that my hope, my perfection of life, a big part of my heart, cremated together with him, and buried with his urn.

 

I know this is life, this is unavoidable. I just hate the feeling of being completely hopeless, I hate the fact that I will never enjoy the happiness of feeding a piece of chocolate into his mouth and seeing him chewing and smiling again, that was happiness from my deep soul, happiness I rarely have, and now I lost it forever. DAMN IT!