I feel like that I should write something, but am not really sure what exactly I wanna say.

 

This is a typical Sunday morning, messy hair, fast-beating heart, and fitful dizziness. Yes, hangover. Having a hangover is not a big deal, but when you are having a hangover, and at the meantime, find that there are some homework due today, and one of your team mates actually submited his part at 4 AM in the morning, the time when you just came back home, it doesn't really feel very plesent. I wanted to reply this guy in my team conference: what the hell are you thinking, submiting homework at 4 am??!! But since I haven't even looked at the homework, it's too mean and rude and unreasonable to judge other people who are much more hardworking and responsible. Anyway, I am still gonna wait till the last minute to do it, as usual.

 

Partying, or should I say, socializing, or in a more "professional way", networking, is very energy consuming. Most of the events, no matter what they call it, outing, clubing, sem-formal, formal, etc, are all in the same patten: getting buzzed, talking nonsense very very loudly, twisting your body or other people's body in the dance floor, getting more wasted.... The only difference is guy's wear, in clubs they are in shirt, in formals, they are in shirt and bow tie, and suit they usually wear only for interviews. Dress code for girls is the same every where, simple and strict, two words: be hot!

 

I don't know other people, but in my life here in this business school in the US, this is the most common way to socialize. I don't really understand it, or the more I attend such activity, the less I understand it. Are getting buzzed and talking nonsense help getting to know people better? Usually I get up the next morning, don't even remember what I said and other people said to me the last night. What I gain from such activity? Hmmm.... learned how to do smoky eyes, learned to use curling iron, learned that no shot right after a long island, learned to raise voice in crowd....spend hundres of money to learn these things? Not a very good investment. I would have a higher ROI if I spent these money to learn golf.

 

However, feels that I have to go, for the sake of exposure. Especially after I gave an impassioned speech and won the election of one of the VP positions in the student association, people always throw that to my face: you are the VP, how come you are not coming to the party??!

 

I still like going out, like wearing make ups, like dancing in good music. I just feel sometimes, it's a bit pointless when they call it as socializing or networking. I would rather people say: let's go get drunk and be silly.

I am really sick of being suspicious. I wish I could believe whatever other people said, without any doubt and second thoughts, then life would be so much easier.

 

Dream scenario I:

- Is this your own car?

- No, this is not my car, I am a private dealer, I buy and sell cars, and earn the price difference.

 

Actual scenario II:

- Is this your own car?

- Yes!.... it's my uncle's car, he went back to india

- Why I see you selling a lot of cars on craiglist?

- hmmm.... I buy and sell cars.

 

Dream Scenario II:

- you are so funny and smart, I really like you.

- :)

- you wanna have dinner together tomorrow?

- sounds good!

 

Then happily thereafter.

 

Actual Scenario II:

- you know what, you are the funniest and smartest, and the cutest!

- :)

- are you going out tonight? you have to go, cause I only wanna dance with you... what will you be doing tomorrow night?

- .....

- why didn't I see you last night? where were you? I missed you.

- :D

..... after 2 days....

- hey, what's up?

- hey, we are going to a bar, you will come too?

- nah... my girlfriend is in town

- ???!!!!!

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I have been searching for an used car for over a month, but I still don't get any. The process is frustrating, because it's so hard to trust people. There was one time, I liked a Honda very much, and it had clean history report, everything looked find, I called the seller, he sounds normal. Then I decided to do a test drive, so I googled the address he gave me, and guess what, I found a criminal profile of the seller, he was a sex offender. So I didn't go to see this car. I talked to my friends, they were all very surprised, and suggested me to forget it. I didn't go to see the car, not because I was afraid that I would be his next victim, but because I couldn't trust him. I was suspicious whether the car was obtained from a legal channel, whether he did something to the car that even mechanic check wouldn't be able to find out... however, at the same time, I was wondering, is it fair to deny someone just because he/she had bad history? What if they already regreted, and want to start over again?

 

I call car sellers when I found some cars I like, but sometimes I found them lying to me. A friend said "if they lied once, they would lie more in the future, so you shouldn't trust them". It reminded me another saying "once a cheater, always a cheater". Are they true? From the bottom of my heart, I hope not, but realistically, I let such conception guide my behavior. I feel much more safer and released after I rejected those offeres that I had doubt with, but at the sametime, the feeling of frustration grows.

 

Is it the world that is full of lies and distrust, or me living in my own pathetic suspicious little world?