Today is my dad's 60th birthday.

I called him. He was celebrating with our relatives and all his good friends. Dad was very happy receving my call, although he knew I would call. I wished him happy birthday, he wished me healthier and prettier, then he said let's drink through the phone, then he said cheers, and I hear a short pause and then he smacking his lips. That was a bottom up. I know how he drinks. Hanged up the phone, I cried.

Other people's dad, celebrate birthdays with their daughters, sons, grandchildren, my dad, cheers to a cell phone on his 60th birthday.

Friends keep on telling me: you are doing the right thing, do what you feel like to do, chase your dream, your parents will feel happy for you. Is this really the right thing? why can't I make my parents happy for us, the 3 of us, not just me, but us. It's selfish to leave parents to chase your dream after parents did everything they could to help you. I feel so guilty for not being able to taking care of them, for still spending their money at age of 26, for making them worry about me day and night. I can't do anything for them. I am like a guest, when I go back home, they use the best bed sheet on my bed, clean everything, cook different dishes every meal every single day, then carry my suitcase to airport, and see me leave again. They do everything by themselves, decorating house, purchasing, even enduring sickness all by themselves. Is this what they deserve after spending all their love, energy and savings on their daughter?!

I don't know how to end this essay.

Hope readers remember to not wait till it's too late to do more for your parents.

I don't have a lot of close friends, and I used to write something here long time ago about how friends should keep some distance to maintain the friendship well. Unsure whethere I should take that back, but I have to admit that this doesn't apply to every friendship, and in certain way, sounds like jerk to say that!

 

I just watched the "Sex and the City" Movie, was not impressed by the story, it was same old, and couldn't get out of the "happily everafter" patten. What impressed me were a lot details among the girls. Charlotte hold Carrie tightly and shouted to Mr. Big to step back after he canceled the wedding, Samantha would fly all the way across the States to hang out with the girls, Carrie took subway and then walked in the crowded dirty NYC downtown in snow at midnight to spend new year with Maranda so that she wouldn't feel lonely, Maranda sent Carie roses, cards, gifts everyday to appologize... all these details, just reminded me how I've been treated so nicely by my friends and how much I miss them, and I realize how come I never appreciated the wonderful friendship I am so blessed to have.

 

All my best friends are scattered in different places, Singapore, Beijing, HongKong, US but the west coast (while I am at the south east), Sydney... we don't have that much chance to talk any more, but whenever I think of them, I just feel so sweet and warm, and I feel guilty for haven't done enough for them. The older you grow, the more you realize that friendship is really one of the most important things in the world. Career goes up and down, guys come and go, but real friends will always be there, listening and making you smile.

 

Love you all my great great friends!

There are more and more communication channels and network communities set up on internet. There are facebook, myspace, msn spaces, and tons of dating website... people put their pictures and all kinds of other personal information on it. Take facebook as an example, not only you may get to know someone's whole history, such as high school, college, graduate school, employers, birthdays, hobbies...you also get to know their spouses, their families, their friends, and then, you may even know their families' names and history.

 

In a positive way, such internet community brings people all over the world much closer, I get to know what's going on with my friends in China without talking to them, and it's fun to poke them virtually once in a while. If you want to announce something, such as getting married, wedding pictures are ready to show, posting on your personal online page may be the most efficient way to let everybody know.

However, how can I be sure about the security of my information. Yes I can choose whether or not I want my information open to public, but as a person who barely know anything about IT technology, I doubt whether a simple click on "information only open to friends" can provide 100% protection. There are a lot of people who are capable of breaking or bypassing passwords (Hack, is that the word....?). What if someone decides to extort from me, it's possible that the criminal can find my information on some websites, say facebook, where he/she may find some clue linked to other websites where I put some pictures of my family, so even my family is thousands miles away, they are still in danger. Or think about some very extreme pervert cases........well... ok that's too scary, I am being over imaginative here.

 

Anyway, I am just wondering whether people over exposed themselves with the developement of online communities. How can we make sure that our information would not be used for bad purpose by bad people. Here reminded me another question I've been thinking about: what kind of psychology it is that makes some people so passionate about posting a lot of their pictures and personal info online to public?

I just realized that the whole MBA life is a life of searching all kinds of stuff all the time.

 

You search for schools information during application, then search for discount flight, then search for housing, furnitures, cars, internships, full time jobs, alumnies or any other possible networking resources, then at the end search for people to buy your old furnitures, cars, books, and bang, you are graduated.

 

 

I feel like that I should write something, but am not really sure what exactly I wanna say.

 

This is a typical Sunday morning, messy hair, fast-beating heart, and fitful dizziness. Yes, hangover. Having a hangover is not a big deal, but when you are having a hangover, and at the meantime, find that there are some homework due today, and one of your team mates actually submited his part at 4 AM in the morning, the time when you just came back home, it doesn't really feel very plesent. I wanted to reply this guy in my team conference: what the hell are you thinking, submiting homework at 4 am??!! But since I haven't even looked at the homework, it's too mean and rude and unreasonable to judge other people who are much more hardworking and responsible. Anyway, I am still gonna wait till the last minute to do it, as usual.

 

Partying, or should I say, socializing, or in a more "professional way", networking, is very energy consuming. Most of the events, no matter what they call it, outing, clubing, sem-formal, formal, etc, are all in the same patten: getting buzzed, talking nonsense very very loudly, twisting your body or other people's body in the dance floor, getting more wasted.... The only difference is guy's wear, in clubs they are in shirt, in formals, they are in shirt and bow tie, and suit they usually wear only for interviews. Dress code for girls is the same every where, simple and strict, two words: be hot!

 

I don't know other people, but in my life here in this business school in the US, this is the most common way to socialize. I don't really understand it, or the more I attend such activity, the less I understand it. Are getting buzzed and talking nonsense help getting to know people better? Usually I get up the next morning, don't even remember what I said and other people said to me the last night. What I gain from such activity? Hmmm.... learned how to do smoky eyes, learned to use curling iron, learned that no shot right after a long island, learned to raise voice in crowd....spend hundres of money to learn these things? Not a very good investment. I would have a higher ROI if I spent these money to learn golf.

 

However, feels that I have to go, for the sake of exposure. Especially after I gave an impassioned speech and won the election of one of the VP positions in the student association, people always throw that to my face: you are the VP, how come you are not coming to the party??!

 

I still like going out, like wearing make ups, like dancing in good music. I just feel sometimes, it's a bit pointless when they call it as socializing or networking. I would rather people say: let's go get drunk and be silly.

I am really sick of being suspicious. I wish I could believe whatever other people said, without any doubt and second thoughts, then life would be so much easier.

 

Dream scenario I:

- Is this your own car?

- No, this is not my car, I am a private dealer, I buy and sell cars, and earn the price difference.

 

Actual scenario II:

- Is this your own car?

- Yes!.... it's my uncle's car, he went back to india

- Why I see you selling a lot of cars on craiglist?

- hmmm.... I buy and sell cars.

 

Dream Scenario II:

- you are so funny and smart, I really like you.

- :)

- you wanna have dinner together tomorrow?

- sounds good!

 

Then happily thereafter.

 

Actual Scenario II:

- you know what, you are the funniest and smartest, and the cutest!

- :)

- are you going out tonight? you have to go, cause I only wanna dance with you... what will you be doing tomorrow night?

- .....

- why didn't I see you last night? where were you? I missed you.

- :D

..... after 2 days....

- hey, what's up?

- hey, we are going to a bar, you will come too?

- nah... my girlfriend is in town

- ???!!!!!

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

I have been searching for an used car for over a month, but I still don't get any. The process is frustrating, because it's so hard to trust people. There was one time, I liked a Honda very much, and it had clean history report, everything looked find, I called the seller, he sounds normal. Then I decided to do a test drive, so I googled the address he gave me, and guess what, I found a criminal profile of the seller, he was a sex offender. So I didn't go to see this car. I talked to my friends, they were all very surprised, and suggested me to forget it. I didn't go to see the car, not because I was afraid that I would be his next victim, but because I couldn't trust him. I was suspicious whether the car was obtained from a legal channel, whether he did something to the car that even mechanic check wouldn't be able to find out... however, at the same time, I was wondering, is it fair to deny someone just because he/she had bad history? What if they already regreted, and want to start over again?

 

I call car sellers when I found some cars I like, but sometimes I found them lying to me. A friend said "if they lied once, they would lie more in the future, so you shouldn't trust them". It reminded me another saying "once a cheater, always a cheater". Are they true? From the bottom of my heart, I hope not, but realistically, I let such conception guide my behavior. I feel much more safer and released after I rejected those offeres that I had doubt with, but at the sametime, the feeling of frustration grows.

 

Is it the world that is full of lies and distrust, or me living in my own pathetic suspicious little world?

The whether in Georgia fluctuates significantly. 4 days ago, I was wearing sweater and feather coat, today, I wear only a T-shirt and a light coat. I actually like it, like the fresh smell in the morning. Although spring is still around the corner, the air smells like summer.

I love summer mornings ever since primary school. I went to primary school in my hometown in the southern China, where it was much more humid than Beijing, so in summer morning, there was light fog (sometimes very thick) and shinning dew on grass and flowers at roadside. I left home to school around 7:30 am, waved and said goodbye very loudly to my mom who always looked at me through the kitchen window. Then I smell the air, felt the fog, appreciated the vague sunshine and the rising sun, which made the whole world an amazing painting of fairy tale, with perfect treatment in light and shadow. Then I met classmates on my way, we discussed every detail in the cartoon (mostly "Saint Seiya") we saw last night very excitedly. Now, I can't even remember when was the last time that I enjoyed such a summer morning, and when I met those classmates again in my hometown, we talked about jobs, the other halves, weddings, babies.... I am gonna discuss cartoons with my kids on our way to their school...someday.

Well, recalling the good old days is not my primary intention of writting this essay. There are a lot of things going on in my life, cases, homework, job hunting.... frankly speaking, I am not doing an excellent job here, instead of carefully reading cases and aggressively looking for summer internships, I spent much time playing Cake Mania3. It's a game about running a bakery. I just love those food service games. Also, I am learning French again! I have French Class at 8:30 am on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday. I am everything but a morning person, but I still love it. Learning French is just trés trés amusant! It's the class that I look forward to the most everyday. (As an MBA student, I probably shouldn't say this.)

So, this morning, which also is the night of the Lantern Festival in China, I got up early, arrived my French class 3 minutes late, but 1 minute right before the quiz (which count as 40% of final grade) started. After the class, I saw a guy carrying his text books in a plastic super market shopping basket to business school. Maybe it's just common in the US that people behave "creatively", but I found this very funny, and I couldn't help laughing, picturing him walking into a classroom with such a basket, and put it on the floor....hahaha, maybe it's just me being crazy and mean (I AM NOT nice enough). Then I checked my mail box, found even more joy: the lastest issue of InStyle has arrived, and it's back to the original number of pages. I subscribed this fasion magazin not long after I arrived the US last summer, it used to have 356 pages, and only costed $2 per issue. However, the 2009 January and February issues only had half of the original number of pages, so I thought maybe it was because of the economy downturn that they didn't have as much advertisement sponsors. Now, it's good to see that the pages are back. What is not so good is that all those fancy photos in this issue indicates that summer is comming soon, which means, it is urgent for me to get rid of all the fat that I gained, and I don't think it will be easy this time..... Another thing that I found in my mail box is an used textbook that I ordered online. The mail package was terribly unbelievably damaged. I have no idea why it was like that and how, looked like it was stored at somewhere for years and biten by rats. At first I thought I got tricked, but then I found the book inside was as new as the seller described, and that was how I felt lucky, to get an almost new book at 90% discount price, out of a disgusting trash. Btw, books are really expensive here. The price for the latest version of this book was over $150, but you can find a slightly earlier version, with the same content, but at a much cheaper price. $15, that was how much I paid for this one. 

Being happy the whole morning, I decided to share this with my dear friends back in China through this space. I really miss my friends, sometimes those scenes of hanging out with them in Party world at chaowai Street, in clubs (clubs in Atlanta suck! Last Sat night, I was in Sutra, so called one of the most famous clubs here, that was my first time going out since the new semester started, when I was appropriately buzzed and getting into the best dancing mood, they claimed it was time to close. It was only 2:30. So I got very pissed off, and couldn't stop complainning, until my friends started to comfort me like I was drunk... guess I was not as "appropriately buzzed" as I thought), in 南锣鼓巷, resturants along the east third ring of beijing, the supermarket, the sichuan snacks, even the Mcdonald's near my appartment in Beijing, just constantly rush back to my mind, so clear, so close, but also so far away. I guess I AM homesick, this is rare and unexpected for me, but not a big problem, and in some way it can stimulate my patriotism, which is good.

Ok, I have to have lunch and go back to work, whatever the work is. Another reason for me not updating here often is that I spent too much time on each essay. Everytime I started with only a few ideas, but once I started to write, more ideas kept on coming up, and I became very wordy, and also picky to the words and phrases, and structures to use..... and just a blink, 3 hours had passed. I did spend more than 3 hours in Cake Mania, so it's a lame excuse..... so I am gonna delete that game...

 

Lunch lunch, coke cola chicken wings and legs, cooked by Chef Ying. mwahahahaha...

I searched essays I wrote at the end of each past few years, looking for some old new year resolution or year reviews, so that I can compare those with what I have and am now, and make some comments about it. It turned out there wasn't much resolution or reviews. December 31, 2007, I was in Bangkok with dear rumei, no resolution. December 31, 2006, I couldn't remember much, except rose flavor Vodka, and I wrote sth explaining the relationship between me being in good mood and writting less essays here... so seems my life was not as miserable as I thought.

 

However, 2008 is a bit different, and it definitely deserve an essay here.

I used to say that life is a road, you walk on it, see different views, meet different people, across different river, rocks, thorns, fog, choose different turnoffs, then views changed, some people are gone while some people stayed on the same road with you. I took a big turn this time, so there are much new view, people, thorns, fog, and blahblahblah...on this new road. Here are the new things:

 

I learned how to swim, how to drive, how to speak hello, how are you, how old are you, you are beautiful..... in Spanish.

I lost my grandpa...but maybe he is alive in another world, looking at me happily, so I look up, smile back, and wave.

I ate Peking roast duck officially for the first time, after 8 years being in Beijing, thanks to my cousin.

I stayed in my best friend's sofa for several nights. They are not comfortable, but sweet, very sweet.

I tried Cross-Stitch, but didn't finish it.

My best friend married an Indian and moved to Singapore, I wish I could go to her wedding, and dancing in saree.

Another best friend got married too, and had gorgeous wedding photos. So happy for her.

I hugged my mom and dad goodbye for the first time in my life, took the train in the new terminal in Beijing international airport, and came to the US alone with suitcases that were heavier than myself. 

I went to school everyday, confused about Marketing professor's indian English, and American classmates' jokes, and got so bored in Statistic class that I laughed at regression graphs.

I blamed myself for not being active enough in classes.

I cooked many dishes for the first time, such as steamed fish, french toast, failed brownie, grandma's special pancake and spicy dried turnip, weird sandwich with turkey, ranch, spicy sauce, eggs, peanut butter in it (I liked it, but all my American friends said it was weird, but shouldn't be cooking more creative?), mooncakes...

Inspired by rumei, I bought myself the first plant, now I have two plants in my room, everytime I water them, I feel closer to rumei.

My tolerence to alcohol decreased.

I had this thought about how to find the exact amount of alcohol that can depress certain part of your brain that is disturbing you, but activate those parts that make you happy, without getting drunk or buzzed enough to do silly things.

I explored bars and clubs in Atlanta with my classmates, so I was elected as one of the top 3 international students who embraced American culture the most.

I stayed up late to watch American President final election, and then Obama's live "yes we can" speech. Somehow, Obama looks like an investment banker to me.

I went to a church, listened to their chorus, drank their coffee, didn't make any contribution, didn't confess neither, but I did sing with them.

I learned it for 2 hours and performed Tai Chi in front of my whole class. Some one said he felt like having a massage by watching us. I took that as a compliment.

A friend of mine was hit by a car one night and she called me for help, so I talked with 911 people, and experienced the whole process in American Emergency Center for the first time. I wish that was also my last time.

I went to DC, visited white house and saw fighter planes passing by for the first time in my life, and was kinda frightened so I almost went down and cover my head with my hands instinctively, but I suppressed my insitincition. Later I saw many fighter planes in the sky above the campus I live.

I got used to smile and chitchat with cashiers, drivers, and all the other people who provide service. Sometimes I didn't really want to smile and talk to strangers, but people are suppose to be nice here, maybe I am just not a very nice person, or this being nice thing is just too fake.

I learned a little southen redneck accent, such as: I am fixin to leave, y'all too?

I went to Colorado, and skied for the first time in my life. My left thumb still hurts now, it's the consequence of me spending almost 2 hours (yes, I am a snail)skiing from the top of the mountain to the bottom.

Next week, I will be in New York City, taking a job interview and visiting around.

I miss China more than I expected. More specifically, I miss flower Yang and flower Xu, miss my college room mates, miss my rumei, miss my KPMG collgues, miss very siam, xi shu dou hua zhuang, huoguo, jianbing, yuxiang qie zi, gongbao jiding, larou....all the food, miss party world, vix, angel club, tang, coco banana.... (btw, none of the clubs in Atlanta is as good as those in beijing....)

 

I don't regret for the road I chose and whatever I did on this road (except one time, I didn't answer a question in accounting class, and I really regret for that), but I am still not sure where to go, and still not satisfied with myself.

For the new year, 2009, I don't think I will completely figure out where to go, but I will try my best to be a better person, which means to be nicer, more tolerant, have more opinions and speak them out, try more new things, speak better English, or maybe even Espanol and Francais, waste less time and be more productive, learn more cooking skills, work out more, call grandma more often, and hopefully, to get a good internship for next summer.

 

So much for the blahblahblah...

 

Happy New Year!

I never known losing a beloved one would hurt in this way.

 

It has been 8 months, 3 weeks and 1 day, I still haven't accepted the fact that grandpa has gone, althouth I comforted grandma time and time again with my easiest tone, "this is life, we can't control it, most of people won't be this lucky to live till their 80s and leave with so little pain, and have all his children and grandchildren around him, now he is rest in peace, and he wish you happy, so you should let go...." well, I can't let go myself, let alone my grandma who has been married him for over 50 years.

 

It's not just sad, no it's not sad, it's upset, hopeless, desperate. We (or just I ) think hard , work hard and live harder to make this very limited life more meaningful, less regretful. I made lots of mistakes and missed many things, but I learn from these mistakes and get things back in even newer and better shape. I always believe that no matter how bad things are, I will finally get through them and find a way to fix. Only for this one, there is no way to fix, I know that I lost it, and I will never ever get it back, not even a similar one, and it's really really really annoying.

 

When you lose something, you try to find it, if you can't find it, you try to find some ways to get a new one, even if it might take years, you always have hope, and the hope makes you happy because you feel that it still belongs to you (it's reasonable to feel so), it's just a matter of time. There's no hope for me, I went to crematory with him, I saw with my own eyes that my hope, my perfection of life, a big part of my heart, cremated together with him, and buried with his urn.

 

I know this is life, this is unavoidable. I just hate the feeling of being completely hopeless, I hate the fact that I will never enjoy the happiness of feeding a piece of chocolate into his mouth and seeing him chewing and smiling again, that was happiness from my deep soul, happiness I rarely have, and now I lost it forever. DAMN IT!

I always find exploring different culture interesting. However, exitence of culture different isn't always entertaining. It causes misunderstanding and awkwardness, depending on how well you know this culture, and how well you have got use to it. For me, it's easy to understand a culture, but not so easy to get use to it. "Hug" is one of the culture thing that always embarrass me.

 

I seldom hug people, and tend to avoid other body contact. When say hi or bye, or thank you, I smile, smile and smile. That's it. So whenever some western friends try to hug me, I felt awkward and reluctant, not because I don't like them, just because I don't know how tight and how long should I hug back. Such awkwardness and reluctance make me a bad huger. People think that I don't like them because I hug perfunctorily. It was no big deal in China, since all the foreigners try to learn the Chinese culture and behave accordingly. But now, in the US, I'm the foreigner, so it's my turn to struggle with these culture difference.

 

India guys shake hands whenever they meet, even though they meet everyday. For Chinese, shaking hands is usually just for business situation or when people first meet. So as I always do, I smile, smile, and smile, and say hi, when I see this indian classmate in the aisle after class, we chitchat, everthing goes well, I feel comfortable, then he stretch out his hand, saying: Ying, we haven't shaked hands yet! Then we shaked hands, and he left.

 

Americans hug. Europeans Hug more. South Americans hug and kiss. I told my roomate Lauren who is an American and a Germany girl Judith, who has become a very good friend of mine, that I don't hug, in order to avoid misunderstanding. However, this made things even more awkward. They tend to ask me: is it ok if I hug you now? of course I say yes, but that question just ruined the mood, and of course the following hugs weren't very nice.

 

The first few times I went to clubs with my American classmates, I saw guys shaked hands, so when they came to me, I stretched out my hand, but turned out that they didn't want to shake hands with me, cause that was just for guys, instead, they hug me. So I "reluctantly" switched my shaking hands gesture, and gave them my very unfriendly hug.

 

There were twice that American girls turn their cheeks to me. I looked at their pretty cheeks, wondering, should it be lips to cheek or cheek to cheek? The first time, I kissed her cheek with my lips. That was weird. Last night, I just respond with my cheek, but I am still not sure whether she wanted my kiss or my cheek....

 

South American guys will kiss girls on their cheeks to say hi, remember, only when guys meet girls. I am not sure whether South American girls kiss each other to say hi, but guys themselves don't kiss. When I met them, I used to smile, smile, smile, and step back, and back..... now, I have made some progress that I am able to not step back when they come over.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am leaving for the US today. Yes, there is a long story behind, started from last April, but I will save it till I settle down in Atlanta where I will start a whole new life in Goizueta business school, Emory university.

I used to say in one essay here that Beijing is a fun place, but not my place. Now I wanna make a revice: Beijing is a fun place indeed, and also my place.

I used to feel homeless: it felt like taking a business trip when I visited my hometown changsha. There were so many places and streets that I was not familiar with, I couldn't visit around freely without a taxi. I've been living in Beijing for 8 years but I had never taken it as my home cause I always have to share apartment with other people, I spent almost every mid-autumn day with friends or alone, instead of with my family as it supposed to be, I had to deal with everythinig all by myself, I knew that there was no one that I could count on because this was not where my home is.

Yesterday I came back to Beijing after spending a month in my hometown. I suddenly realized that I love this city more than I had thought. This is the place where I grew up from a simple-minded little girl to a much maturer and more experienced woman (although still not mature and experienced enough). This is the place where I made great friends who changed my attitude to the world, to friendship, to love, to everything. This is the place where I gradually know more about myself and explored what I really want (dunno the final answer yet, still working on it).

 

About my hometown, yes, this city has changed so much that I sometimes feel that except the dialect there is nothing I know about it. However, as long as there is family there, there is a reason I always save a significant place for it in my heart.

 

It's people that makes a place home. My family makes changsha my home forever, these great friends I am so lucky to meet make Beijing my another amazing home.

 

There is too much thank you to say here, but no need to make it as an academy award thankyou speech. I already knew for years that this day would come sooner or later and a simple "thank you" is way from enough to express my appreciation.

 

I love you all my dear friends, see you soon, and have fun!

So called ambiguous relationship between two people, is defined as a subtle relationship that closer than friendship but more distant than boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

 

In China, when talking about such relationship, people tend to say "we PLAY ambiguousness" instead of "we HAVE an ambiguous relationship". The word "play" makes it sound cool, cause people usually say this in a "no big deal at all" tone, like they are just talking about a very new computer game, which not everyone has tried yet. 

 

If this ambiguous relationship is really something that people can purely play for fun, why there are so many songs and poems crying about the pain caused by it?

 

The reason is that people use the word "play" to cover up their true but negative feelings in this relationship, such as disappointment, desperation, hesitation, fear of rejection and losing the chance..... and using this word is just a way of self-comfort.

There are also plenty of people who really mean it when they use the word "play". Those people are true cool players, who don't really care about the other sides in such relationship but only enjoy some benefit, including emotional benefit such as good feelings about being attracted to or getting attention, and physical benefit, mostly sexual, from such relationship. For them, it's properer to call it a game.

 

Thus, based on different attitudes to the word "play", where ambiguous relationship goes to is clear:

If both sides are the faking "no big deal" tone kind, then this ambiguousness could be soon ended up with serious boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. If one side is the faking kind, but the other is a real game player, the ambiguousness would end too, but after a period for don't know how long, depends on how much pain the faking side can endure and/or how interested the game player is in the benefit he/she get. The last situation, if both sides are real cool players, then this relationship could be lasting for quite some time, as long as both sides get the benefit they want.

What if two people claim that they like each other but they know that they won't end up together for some reasons? Well, I would say starting an ambiguous relationship is either being irresponsible, for fake players, cause they let their impulsiveness to lead the way but end up hurting themselves and even related others, or being dishonest or fictive, for real players, cause liking each other is not the real reason for them to start this, they said so just because they want those emotional or physical benefit so much that they have to lie to others or even to themselves.

 

I would rather call an ambiguous relationship a battle. It tests people's patience, matureness, judgement, courage and confidence. The side with more of these qualities wins. It could be fun, or tough as well.

There are three of us, we are homeless, mewl~~~ so sad~~, why abandoned us, we did nothing wrong, we are good kittens, mewl~~ mewl~~

 

 

 

Will you take me home please? I will try my best to entertain you. mewl~~

 

 

There are three kittens abandoned near my place, one's yellow, the other two are white. They are now living under a basket outside. As you can see, they are so~~~ cute, if you have the interest and time to take care of them, please contact me as soon as possible, thank you very much!

我楼下有三只无家可归的小猫咪，一直黄色的，两只白色的，没人管，很可怜的。如果谁能照顾他们，请跟我联系，谢谢！

I actually skipped french class again today!

This is my second time skiping french class, sitting there, I was bored and sleepy, and I had never expected this would happen.

Is my french crush gone, after 8 years?! That's a big betrayal to myself.

Now I feel guilty and scared.

Among so many soft drinks, I've been a fan of Pepsi Cola (not coca cola, which I think is sweeter than Pepsi) for years. However, at a late night one week ago, I suddenly got an unexplainable desire for Sprite, so I went out and got a 2.5L bottle of Sprite, after pouring two big glasses of it down into my throat, I finally felt very satisfied, a rare satisfaction. This desire has not faded away, I am still drinking it while I am writing these words.

 

I am a typical Libran who always balances, to do or not to do this, to say or not to say that, if a part of my heart gets certain idea, the other part would analyze it first and then decide to give up or take action. So I am not following my heart but following my own so called "rational analyse", which at almost half the time hold me back from doing what I really want to do with reasons I take as convincing. That's why I called this Sprite desire unexplainable and the satisfaction rare.

 

The only one similar desire I can recall happend when I was 8 or 9. I was running around with friends at my neighbor's, when an electric drill on a desk caught my attention. I stared at it, got this weird question: is it hot or cold? Although I saw its wire plugged in a socket, the rust color of the drill made it really looks cold. "It shoud be hot and electriferous, but it looks totally cold, is it IN HELL hot or cold?" All my mind was possessed by this curiosity, I wanted the answer so badly that I grasped (not just touch) the drill without hesitation. The result, you can easily imagin, in a second, I was shocked by electricity and got blisters all over my palm. That was silly behavior of a child, but I've never regreted for doing so. That feeling of being possessd is as clear as it happend yesterday, it was so strong that even today, it would made me do the same thing.

 

I don't really understand how these desire come and develop to what extent that they would smash my usual "balancing system". Maybe if I stick to flashing ideas in my mind before my system automatically start to work, or find the source of them, I may change or break my old system and consequently my Libran personality permanently.

Last spring festival was the same boring as those in the past 10 years, the only difference was an unexpected snow storm that caught the whole nation's attention. Although boring, there were still some gains for me:

 

Gain 1: New Friends

I had two new dog friends, Er Tuo and Qiu Qiu. Er Tuo lives in a well-decorated place, shares puffed snacks with his master, while one day I saw Qiu Qiu sitting in snow alone, and the other day, he drank fallen rain in the mud on sidewalk. What they have in common are that they all have big black eyes and they all like me. I brought Qiu Qiu some beef, hoping he would remember me next time I go back.

 

Gain 2: Love Joke

One day my mom and I discussed about which animal lived the happiest life. She said she would like to be a panda in the next life, because all what panda needs to do is to keep happy and healthy. After she said so, I said, if you are going to be a panda, then I want to be a panda too, your baby panda. My mom wants some sweet talk and snuggling from her only child, but I seldom do those things as they make me feel awkward and dependent. I guess this is a joke she would like to remember.

 

Gain3: Cards

I found a birthday card received in 1992, and I actually recognized that card without even reading the greetings and sender's signature inside. Then I read through a pile of cards I received from primary school to university. Many childhood memories rushed back in mind, they were beautiful. I realized that although different living environment keeps close friends apart, it's not the decisive factor. Friendship will never end as long as we keep the memory well and make effort to maintain it. So I messeged many old friends after then.

 

Gain4: New Karaoke Bar Records

I made a new karaoke record the other day. 6 hours, 2 people, no half time. I did it with one of my best friend. We hadn't seen each other for quite some time, but in that 6 hours, we barely talked, just sang, after that, we just said goodbye and went back home seperately. That was our usual way of hanging out, we really don't talk that much, but we know each other very well, we care about each other, and our friendship gets deeper. This is another form of friendship in my life. I like this form. Friend must be some one whom you feel comfortable to be with.

 

Gain5: Relationship

A relationship based on physical attraction can be completely forgeted, while that established on personality attraction can last forever, or stay as a sweet memory that one would be willing to recall long time after it ended.

 

Gain6: It's Love That Matters

People gets old, and die at last. This is a natural process. We have to face it, prepare for it and learn to take care of family memebers who get throught it before us.  My parents and aunt worked day and night to take care of my grandpa who was sick in bed. From them, I learned that taking care of old people was not only a matter of obligation, but also a matter of love. There were many things one can't endure without love. I surprised myself by holding a piece of tissue for grandpa to spit in, I would puke my stomach out if that was someone else, but for my beloved grandpa, I was willing to do it.

 

Gain7: Learn From The Movie Jasmine Women

At most of the time, taking mom's advice is a wise choice.

 

Gain8: Learn From Nowhere

To be "down to earth", it's much easier said than done, at least for me.

 

Gain 9: Beijing

It's a fun place, but not my place.